Why You Don't Know What You Want in Bed (Or For Dinner)
Guest post by Talia Follador, RDN, LDN | Introduction by Erinn Hoel, LCSW
A note from Erinn before we dive in:
I talk a lot about how low desire isn't a sex problem, it's a nervous system problem. And one of the most common things I see in the women I work with is a fundamental disconnection from their own bodies and what they actually want. Not just in bed. In everyday life.
That's why when my friend Talia, a registered dietitian who works with women on their relationship with food, told me about the pattern she sees in her clients, I immediately thought: She's describing my clients too. Because the woman who stands in front of the fridge thinking "I don't know what I want" is often the same woman lying in bed thinking the exact same thing.
The connection between body awareness and desire is real and it's something we don't talk about enough. Talia breaks it down beautifully below.
By Talia Follador, RDN, LDN:
One of the questions I often ask clients before offering any nutrition guidance is, "What foods do you like?"
You'd be surprised how many women struggle to answer.
Some say "I don't know," or name a few things, but still feel stuck when making everyday decisions.
This isn't because they don't have preferences, but because they've spent so much time choosing what keeps the peace, eating what feels "right" instead of what feels good, or worrying about how choices will be perceived by others.
I've seen this pattern again and again, and it doesn't stay contained to food.
It often shows up in more vulnerable places, too — like desire, pleasure, and intimacy.
Why This Happens (It's Not That You're Indecisive)
Years of Food Rules Can Disconnect You From Your Body
If you've spent years trying to follow nutrition rules or "eat perfectly," it's common to lose touch with your internal cues.
Instead of asking, "What sounds good?", you've learned to ask, "What should I eat?"
Over time, this can weaken your ability to recognize hunger, fullness, and satisfaction — a phenomenon known as interoceptive awareness. When that connection fades, decision-making around food can feel confusing or even stressful.
Mental Overload Makes Decisions Harder
Many of my clients aren't lacking preferences — they're overwhelmed.
By the time you get to your next meal, your brain has already made dozens (if not hundreds) of decisions.
As mental energy gets depleted, it becomes harder to weigh options and make choices. This is often referred to as decision fatigue, and it can lead people to avoid decisions, default to familiar options, or feel stuck altogether.
So when you're standing in front of the fridge thinking, "I don't know what I want," it might not be a lack of awareness but rather mental exhaustion.
The Pressure to "Get It Right"
For many women, food choices feel loaded. There's often an underlying fear of making the "wrong" decision:
What if this isn't healthy enough?
What if my partner doesn't like this, too?
What if I gain weight?
When eating feels high-stakes, it makes sense that decision-making becomes harder, not easier.
How This Can Show Up in Your Sex Life
This same disconnection doesn't stop at food. It can carry into how you experience desire and intimacy.
Feeling Disconnected From What You Want
Sexual desire is closely tied to body awareness. Overthinking or monitoring yourself can interfere with arousal and pleasure.
If you're not as in-tune with your body, you might notice yourself:
Saying yes when you're not fully present
Mentally checking out
Feeling physically there, but not emotionally connected
This experience is often described as spectatoring (observing yourself instead of experiencing the moment), and it's been linked to lower sexual satisfaction.
Even if you're connected to your body's cues, if you're unsure what you want, it's naturally harder to communicate it. This can lead to avoidance, frustration, and feeling disconnected from your partner.
This isn't because something is wrong — it's a sign that your connection to your internal experience may need some attention.
The Missing Piece: Reconnecting With Your Internal Signals
Knowing what you want is a skill, and you can rebuild it.
One of the most rewarding parts of my work as a dietitian is watching how a change in one area — like how someone relates to food — naturally starts to ripple into other parts of their life.
Reconnecting with internal signals like hunger, fullness, satisfaction, and preference is powerful because you can practice it every day. Food becomes a low-pressure, repeatable way to ask: What do I want? What do I need? What would feel good?
The more you practice answering those questions in one area of your life, the more accessible those answers become in others.
How to Start Rebuilding That Connection
Get Curious About Your Preferences
If it feels hard to answer "what do I want?", it can help to start more concretely. Try making a simple list of foods you enjoy, and go a step further by noting why you like them:
Is it the texture?
The flavor?
How satisfying does it feel?
How easy is it to prepare?
This helps shift you out of vague overwhelm and into something more specific and actionable. Over time, you can also start noticing patterns — which foods keep you full longer, which give you steady energy, which meals leave you feeling satisfied versus still searching for something.
This isn't about judging your choices. It's about gathering information so your decisions feel more grounded and less confusing.
Practice Voicing Your Preferences
Reconnecting with what you want is one step. Expressing it is another. If you're used to defaulting to what others want, even small moments of speaking up can feel uncomfortable at first. You might start with:
Saying where you'd like to eat
Asking for a small modification to a meal
Sharing what you're in the mood for instead of saying "I don't care"
These moments may seem small, but they're meaningful. They help reinforce the idea that your preferences matter and that it's safe to express them.
Notice Where You Can Set Gentle Boundaries
For many people, difficulty knowing what they want is tied to a pattern of over-accommodating others. Rebuilding that connection often involves practicing boundaries in small, manageable ways:
Choosing a meal that works for you, even if it's different from what others are having
Saying no to something you're not in the mood for
Giving yourself permission to prioritize your needs without over-explaining
Boundaries don't have to be rigid or confrontational. They can be quiet, respectful decisions that bring you back into alignment with yourself.
Final Thoughts
If you feel like you don't know what you want anymore — with food, with your body, or with intimacy — that's not a personal failure. It's often a sign of long-term disconnection.
The goal isn't to fix yourself. It's to rebuild your ability to listen — slowly, gently, and at your own pace.
Because when you reconnect with your body in small, everyday ways, it becomes easier to access that connection in more vulnerable spaces, too.
About the Author
Talia Follador, RDN, LDN is a registered dietitian in Philadelphia who helps women reconnect with their bodies, build trust around food, and step out of the cycle of overthinking and emotional eating. Her approach focuses on understanding the deeper "why" behind eating patterns so clients can feel more in control, confident, and supported in their daily lives. You can learn more here.
