Why taking a break from sex can lead to increased desire and better sex
Today I’m here to normalize a scary misbelief I hear about from my both my sex therapy and intimacy coaching clients: The fear that taking a break from sex will kill your sex life.
Watch the video here.
First off, know this is a natural, common fear and many people experience it when they’re struggling with low desire. What they’re usually fearful of is yes, losing the sex itself, but usually underneath that is how will this impact my relationship? Will my partner still want to be me? What will connection be like? What happens sometimes with my sex therapy clients when I propose taking a break from sex is they panic. I can see the confusion and alarm on their faces. Because they’re coming to see me to increase sex drive and desire, not decrease it, right?
And what I discuss with them is that by continuing to put pressure on sex to show up in a certain way, to perform in a certain way, to have sex at a certain frequency, is setting you up to continue experiencing issues. The whole fake it til you make it thing here only gets you so far.
How does decreasing sex lead to better sex and increase libido?
Now some people think if you stop having sex, you’ll never start again. This is typically the fear talking. Instead, what can happen when you take sex off the table for a bit is you reduce the pressure and stress you were putting on sex. It allows for the exploration of other types of nonsexual intimacy and different types of connection because it lets you focus your attention on other ways to come together. And then during that time, since you’re not as stressed, you can get curious about what’s going on for you during sex, what you like and want to keep about your sex life, and what you’d like to be different.
There’s this interesting phenomenon that happens where we feel we won’t accomplish things unless we beat ourselves up. If I’m never good enough, I’ll never stop striving. This happens with a lot of things- work, relationships, being a caregiver, etc. But when this happens with sex, typically people laser in on the sex only and put so much pressure on it. This has the opposite effect and just builds the stress around sex.
Decreasing stress, pressure, and building self-compassion leads to increased desire and better sex
It may seem counterintuitive but what I’ve found helpful as a sex therapist to shift your relationship with your sex drive and increase desire, is being kind to yourself, decreasing pressure, and managing the stress around sex. The whole point of taking this break is to allow for different connection and reduce that pressure and stress. Once you take the pressure off of what you “should” be doing, you get to explore what you want to be doing. And that makes a big difference.
So don’t look at taking a break from sex as a bad thing, look at it as an opportunity to reconnect, get creative, and build intimacy so you don’t feel like roommates anymore. And all these will help start you down that path to better sex and more of it. If you’re interested in learning more, reach out or check out other blog posts. And remember, be kind to yourself and face your fears.
