What Is the Desire to Fire Method? (& Is It Right for You?)

By Erinn Hoel, LCSW | Sex Therapist & Intimacy Coach

If you've landed on this page, you probably already know who you are.

You're the woman who has tried everything: toys, lingerie, supplements, hormone testing, date nights, or worse: just going through the motions and hoping this will fix itself.

You’ve googled. Had the hard conversation with her spouse more than once where you both want to fix this but don’t know what to do. Who has that voice in that back of your head, wondering if you’re just the exception. That nothing will ever work for you.

You're not the exception. But you might have been using the wrong tool. And the Desire to Fire Method is what I built for women exactly like you.

I want to tell you what it actually is. Not the clinical version. The real version. What you're going to feel, what's going to shift, and what you can actually expect on the other side.

What the Desire to Fire Method Actually Is

The Desire to Fire Method is a three-phase intimacy coaching program I created specifically for women in committed relationships who are done talking about their low desire and ready to actually do something about it.

It's not therapy. It's not a supplement. It's not a book you'll read half of and then forget about because you don’t know how to apply it. As a sex coach, I see these things fail daily.

DTF is a structured, short-term program that addresses why nothing else has worked for you and builds through three distinct phases to take you from dreading sex and feeling like it’s a chore, to actually enjoying it and feeling a deeper connection in your marriage again. It’s sex coaching at its finest.

I want to walk you through each phase because I want you to understand what you're going to feel as you move through it. Because that's the part nobody tells you about.

PHASE 1: THE RELEASE

What it addresses: Why your brain hijacked your sex drive. It’s not gone or even low, it’s stuck.

This is the reason nothing has worked. Before we press on the gas we have to let off the brakes.

Phase 1 isn’t about sex at all. I say that clearly because I know it sounds counterintuitive. But the reason you don't want sex isn't a sex problem. It's that your body has learned sex is stressful, and we don’t want to do things that stress us out. Hence, the avoidance and this feeling like a lot of work right now. So no wonder you never really want it right now.

So we start here. Getting your body out of the pattern it's been stuck in. Not by forcing desire. By removing what's been blocking it.

What you can expect to feel:

Relief is the word I hear most in Phase 1 and it sounds like: “Oh so I’m really not broken.” Nope, not even a little. Real relief. The kind that comes from understanding why your body has been doing this and realizing it's not because something is wrong with you.

Women tell me this phase feels starts to alleviate the pressure and guilt and shame they’ve been feeling, sometimes for years. The anxiety around sex stops. The dread stops feeling so consuming. Touch starts to feel good again and not so loaded.

"Everything in this program is resonating with me. It's all me and so helpful. I love the accountability and that's exactly what I need to actually make changes, I love finally knowing what to do. Plus it was so much easier than I thought it was going to be."

— Charlie

"My body feels safer, which feels so weird to say, but I’m realizing it didn’t really feel safe. This was always this expectation in the back of my mind so I’d just go through the motions. But not doing that has felt so freeing and I actually want to connect now. Like actually kiss and hug and I’m starting to look forward to it again."

— Kim

PHASE 2: THE REAWAKEN

What it addresses: Understanding how your desire actually works and upleveling your own pleasure.

Phase 2 is where things start to feel exciting. This is where you learn how your sex drivespecifically works, not desire in general, not what worked when you were 25, but how your body actually responds right now, in this life, at this stage.

For most women, this phase is genuinely surprising and super interesting. Because nobody ever taught you this. You've spent years trying to force yourself to get in the mood but getting nowhere. And then you learn how you actually work and everything clicks. You experience more pleasure. Get in the mood faster. Have more orgasms. It’s like magic.

This is also where you start feeling more at home in your own body. More confident. More speaking up for what you want. More feeling actually turns you on when the pressure is off. This part feels scary for a lot of women at first and then becomes one of the most empowering and freeing things they've ever done.

What you can expect to feel:

Pride. That's the one that catches women off guard. Not just relief, not just progress, but genuine pride in themselves. For doing this. For choosing themselves. For finding out that the desire they thought was gone was in there waiting the whole time, and they finally unlocked it.

"Learning about my desire changed my life. It makes so much sense and this is so much easier now. I’m finally seeing progress and can’t believe I’m feeling interested again!"

—Staci

"I'm proud of myself and grateful that I did this for myself because I was scared but now I want to have sex with him emotionally and physically, if that makes sense. I don’t feel bad about it or like a loss when I'm not in the mood because I’m actually in the mood fairly often again."

— Kayli

"I feel like I should be asking for more! It's empowering. What a world we’d live in if women were able to feel like this more often and have as good of sex as men. We'd be unstoppable."

— Kat

PHASE 3: THE REVITALIZE

What it addresses: Bringing everything into your relationship so this isn't all on you.

One of the things I see most consistently is women who have done enormous amounts of work on themselves and still feel stuck, because their partner is still operating from the old dynamic. Phase 3 is about changing that.

This is where you get to work on this together instead of feeling alone. This is most partners’ favorite phase because they finally know what to do to help, can get involved without making things worse, and get to work on this with you.

You'll have tools and language for bringing your partner into this in a way that actually works. Not another hard conversation that stalls out. Not you trying to explain what you've learned while he gets defensive. A real, actionable way to get on the same team and start building something together.

This is where the relationship itself transforms. No more awkward distance or tension or walking on eggshells. Sex stops being the thing you fight about and starts being something you actually look forward to.

What you can expect to feel:

Playful. Affectionate. Connected. Actually connected, not just trying to be. Women in Phase 3 talk about feeling like they did in the early days. Like everything’s getting easier and they’re not fighting about stupid little things anymore. Like their not just roommates anymore and remember why they like each other and want to be together in the first place.

"We're in a much better place with communicating, even after years of hurt feelings with this and miscommunications. We've made a lot of progress. Were both invested, feeling more trust. This has leaked into every other part of our life and had such a positive impact."

— Sarah

"Feeling very connected after figuring out our frequency. Feel motivated and on the same page. We're finally figuring this out together."

— Betsy

What Women Say About the Whole Thing

I want to let the women who've been through this speak for themselves here. Because they say it better than I can.

"I love that it helped us both be invested and finally tell us what to do. It helped in such concrete ways. Before this it felt so hard to talk about. Now I communicate about it so easily because I used to be so stressed about it. Our whole relationship has gotten better."

— Lara

"I'm more playful with my husband and kids. More energy. Not going through the motions anymore. More fun and engagement. Finally turning a corner for good."

— Kaycee

"I was so scared at the beginning but you've helped push me without it being too much and I'm on such a high now and feeling so good about this. You've helped me navigate this so well and it's been such a safe space. Plus I’m so proud of myself for doing this."

— Maggie

"I wanted to jump ship and I'm so glad I didn't because I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be."

— Mary

Is the Desire to Fire Method Right for You?

It's right for you if you've been struggling with low desire for a while and feel like you've tried everything.

It's right for you if you and your partner keep having the same conversation and want to fix this but don’t know what to do.

It's right for you if you understand yourself pretty well but understanding hasn't been enough to actually change anything.

It's right for you if you're ready to stop feeling like sex is a chore and start enjoying it.

It's not right for you if you're looking for something passive, something you can absorb without doing, or if your partner isn’t willing to work on this with you. This program requires you to show up. And that's exactly why it works.

You Don't Have to Keep Waiting for This to Get Better on Its Own

It won't. But it will get better when you have the right approach, the right support, and a clear path forward.

The Desire to Fire Method is that path, check it out here. And the women who've been through it will tell you: the only thing they wish they'd done differently is started sooner. Or if you’re ready to start making moves, apply here.