Discover 6 Reasons Why You Need to Want Change for Yourself to Be Effective
I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia Sex Therapist & Sexual Wellness Coach and I’m here today to talk about something that’s tough for us women: Wanting a better sex life for YOU, rather than for your partner.
Want better sex? Start with yourself.
Your Philadelphia Sex Therapist
Any sex therapist will tell you change is a fundamental part of personal growth and development.
Whether you want to improve your relationship, well-being, or sex life, the desire for change must come from within. There are many reasons why we seek change for others, instead of ourselves, but today we’re going to break down this is NOT the most effective way to go about change, especially in the bedroom.
If your desire has dropped, wanting a better sex life for your partner isn’t enough to change things for you. I know, it sucks, but it doesn’t work. You have to want change for yourself to be effective in achieving your goals and making lasting improvements in your sex life.
I get it, maybe you’re fine over there just going through the motions and it’s your partner that’s not ok with your sex life so that’s what’s motivating you. You don’t want a better sex life for YOU, you want it for your PARTNER. But this means you’re trying to change your sex life FOR them instead of WITH them. This can sound like “I’m ok but he’s not and I love him and value our relationship so our sex life needs to be different.”
Do you know what’s missing in that equation? You.
And do you know why trying to change your desire and sex life has been so frustrating and ineffective? Because you’re not fine. What you’re doing is self-abandoning. You’re prioritizing your partner over yourself. You’re trying to keep the peace by suffering through sex you don’t enjoy because the alternative is scary and you worry about what will happen to your relationship.
You’re telling yourself that you’re fine with your sex life but your partner’s not so things have to change. But you’re not enjoying sex. It’s stressing you out, which is not fine and something you don’t have to “just deal with.” And above all else, you’re telling yourself that sex isn’t for you, it’s for your partner.
You can’t see that having a better sex life, one that YOU enjoy and find pleasurable and look forward to, is also for YOU. Sex is something we do WITH our partners not FOR them.
This mindset is SO common in women with low desire or who are stressed about how sex is impacting their relationship. But the longer you focus on fixing your sex life problems for someone else, you’re going to keep having problems.
6 Reasons You Need to Want Change in Your Sex Life for You: Your Philadelphia Sex Therapist
Intrinsic Motivation
Sustainable Commitment:
When you genuinely want change for yourself, you’re more likely to stay committed to your goals over the long term. External pressures or expectations may not provide the same level of motivation. And this changes how you invest in your sex life.
Inner Drive:
Intrinsic motivation, driven by your own desires and values, fuels your determination and resilience in the face of obstacles. So when sex is disappointing, you won’t be so quick to say “Fuck it, this isn’t working” and more likely to say “Well that sucks, but what can I/we do differently next time?”
Ownership and Responsibility
Taking Control:
Wanting change for yourself means taking ownership of your sex life and choices. You become the driver of your own transformation, which leads to a sense of empowerment. Low desire already feels out of control enough. Stop letting it run your life and take back control of your sex life.
Accountability:
When change is self-initiated, you’re more likely to hold yourself accountable for your actions and progress. You’re also more likely to be honest about what’s realistic when it comes to change because you know yourself better than anyone else knows you.
Personal Growth
Self-Discovery:
Pursuing change for yourself often involves self-reflection and self-discovery, allowing you to better understand your strengths, weaknesses, and aspirations. These are incredibly helpful when it comes to connecting more with your body, exploring what’s pleasurable, and communicating this to your partner.
Learning Opportunities:
Self-driven change provides valuable learning experiences, helping you develop new skills, insights, and resilience. And only you know how it feels to be you: what your relationship with sex is like, what sex feels like, and what you want more/less of.
Aligning with Your Values
Authenticity:
Personal change driven by your own desires allows you to align your actions with your values and beliefs, leading to a more authentic and fulfilling life. It helps you show up as you are in your sex life, instead of showing up how you think you should be. And this is freeing.
Greater Satisfaction:
When your actions reflect your true self, you’re more likely to experience a sense of purpose and satisfaction. And more likely to lead to better sexy results.
Resilience and Adaptability
Overcoming Challenges:
When change is internally motivated, you’re more resilient in the face of setbacks and challenges, as your commitment comes from a deep-seated desire for improvement. So, when sex doesn’t go the way you want it, it won’t derail you. Yes, it will be frustrating, but it will also be illuminating to see what works and what doesn’t for you.
Adaptability:
Self-initiated change fosters adaptability and the ability to navigate change in other areas of life effectively. Basically, the more you can problem solve, shift, and get creative in the bedroom, the more you’ll have these skills to use outside it!
Sustainable Happiness
Lasting Fulfillment:
Change driven by external factors or others' expectations may not lead to genuine happiness. When you want change for yourself, the potential for lasting fulfillment is much higher. And when you invest in your sex life in the way YOU want to, you can better outcomes, change is more sustainable, and you can enjoy and look forward to your sex life again.
Emotional Well-being:
Achieving your self-directed goals can boost your self-esteem and overall emotional well-being. It feels good to make progress and invest in things that are important to us. The more you invest in your relationship and sex life, the more you get from it in return.
Right now you’re probably having sex you don’t really enjoy and no matter what you try it’s not getting better. This is because sex is an obligation, it’s on your to-do list, and you’re trying to have sex for your partner, not because you want to.
But wanting to change this for your partner isn’t going to work. It’s got to be for you.
You deserve more. You deserve to have a sex life you enjoy and look forward to. You deserve to feel pleasure and connection just as much as your partner.
That might sound unattainable right now and I get it. I’ve been there. But it will be unattainable as long as you’re trying to change for someone else. Because you’re abandoning yourself and it’s really hard to have a great sex life if you can’t show up for yourself and leave yourself out of the equation. Imagine what your life would be like if you wanted a better sex life for yourself just as much as you want it for your partner.
The desire for change must originate from within if you want it to be effective and meaningful.
When you pursue change for yourself, you tap into a wealth of intrinsic motivation, personal growth, and authenticity that can drive you toward your sexy goals. So, take the time to explore your own desires, values, and aspirations, and use them as your guiding compass for change in your sex life. Remember that wanting change for yourself is the first step on the path to a more empowered and fulfilling sex life and relationship.
Discover How to Increase Low Sex Drive with this Free Guide from a Philadelphia Sex Therapist
If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
