Talk Dirty to Me Part 3: Why talking about sex can lead to better sex

Part 3: The Likes/Dislikes Talk

Watch the video here.

Part 1: The Health Talk- watch video, read blog.

Part 2: The Frequency Talk- watch video, read blog

How to Increase Sex Drive and Desire: The Likes/Dislikes Talk

Today I’m bringing you one of my favorite talks as a sex therapist: the likes/dislikes talk.

So, let’s just start by saying it, no one’s a mind reader. My couples therapy clients teach me this everyday. There’s this stereotype that you should just know what to do or what your partner likes during sex. I’m here to tell you that that’s garbage because everyone likes and dislikes different things. But even if you’ve been with your partner for a long time, they’re probably going to want different things at different times. Novelty keeps things interesting, right? Mindreading and guesswork during sex suck and can lead to decreased desire and decreased sex drive. Because they’re distracting and can easily leave you wanting more or feeling disappointed.

So instead, try talking to your partner about things you like during sex, things you don’t like, and things you’re interested in or want to try. This often leads to more sex talk or more communication about sex, and that leads to more fun and excitement during sex because you’re both putting forth the effort to have better sex and make the most of it.

Want to Have Better Sex? Be clear about what you want!

A bonus in discussing the likes is that giving more direction makes it easier to please. If there’s something you want your partner to do during sex, ask them! The more explicitly (literally and figuratively ;)) you communicate what you want, the easier it is for them to give that to you, and vice versa. This helps eliminate that guesswork so you can just focus on enjoying each other and the experience.

A bonus in discussing the dislike side of things is setting some structure and helping sex not feel like a chore. This naturally includes things like consent because by sharing what you don’t like or don’t want to do, you’re both naturally setting some boundaries and working to make sure the sex is a more enjoyable experience for both of you.

How to Increase Libido and Desire: Do some sexy brainstorming together

Now, trying to communicate these things for the first time during sex, or if you’re trying to have sex, can be kind of stressful, or frustrating if it doesn’t go how you plan, or just distracting and get in the way instead of leading to better sex.

As a sex therapist, I suggest doing some reflection, on your own, about what you want to communicate to your partner, and then making a date night out of it. Setting aside some time where you know this is going to be the topic can help the planners out there, but also the procrastinators. It can help both of you get in the right mindset and come prepared with what you want the other person to know. And simply having the conversation might help fuel some of that fire and give you some new ideas.

So, make a date of it in the next week or so. And remember, your partner can’t read your mind so challenge yourself to be really honest and then make a plan together.

If you’ve tried talking to each other and it doesn’t go so well: The Desire to Fire Method

It has all the skills, scripts, and prompts to help you two become pros at this. It can be a real game-changer, so give it a try if you’re tired of having the same conversations (and fights) over and over.